Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Stoic Saint Ain't
I wish I could tell you that being a Christian will make you immune to human emotion when it comes to struggles, but I can't tell you that honestly.
As of late, trials have brought me a multitude of tears. At former times in my life, the Lord has brought me through intense times of testing with fewer tears. To top that, I've seen many miracles performed before my eyes which built my faith to trust that God is working even when I can't see Him.
I know that God is in control even when things look out of control so in that sense, my faith does not waver. I do pray daily, often hourly and by the minute. I try to consistently read my Bible and fellowship with other Christians and the Lord does give me strength BUT this does not exempt me from human emotions. At first I was indignant with myself when tears rolled down my cheeks. I battled anger both with God and with myself. (Though I know that I've no right to be angry with God, I admit that this human emotion surfaced. "God, why, when You have the power to fix suffering, do You not step in and solve this?")
As Christians, we condemn ourselves for crying, thinking that we perhaps do not have enough faith and this is especially nagging to us when we have to wait longer for the answers to prayer than we think we should. After all, we are human and we can't see the Divine Plan. It hurts when we face impending utility shut-off notices or a short-changed grocery budget, high bills, loss of income, stressful relationships or a feeling of loneliness because finances prevent us from fully being able to fellowship with our friends or give generously to others as we would desire. Sometimes, Christians even tend to aggravate that sense of unworthiness by telling us to just "pray and trust the Lord." What happens when you pray and still sit there hearing silence? What happens when the answer doesn't appear when you think it should?
Can you trust the Lord and still feel pain? Absolutely! I wish we didn't have to feel the pain but if we didn't then we'd have to apologize to all the saints who've gone ahead of us to Glory--those people who mourned and wailed and cried out to God for deliverance and some who never saw the result of their prayers but only their future generations were able to see the answer.
For example, Job is always used as an example of one who trusted God in spite of great loss, personal suffering and social isolation. This is very accurate but one thing that is often left out of the story in the retelling is how Job sat at the gates to the city and wailed while scraping his sores. He bemoaned his own birth (Chapter 3:1), talked about his disgust for life, begs God for answers while talking about his lack of strength (Chapter 6) and is filled with anguish at the loss of his possessions and former blessings (all through Job).
Then, you have King David, the man after God's own heart. Many of the Psalms show David in the depths of despair, lying in a bed of tears, crying out to the Lord for relief.
There is the Apostle Paul, who cried to be delivered from his "thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to buffet" him. The Bible does not tell us that he was healed or delivered from this obvious "skeleton in the closet" that plagued him.
Our Lord Himself, the prime example for us to follow--even He sobbed in feverish prayer to His Father in the Garden of Gethsemane where He was about to take on the sins of the world, a task that seemed colossal to the point that He begged the Father that if it be possible that "this cup" could pass from Him. Then on the cross, He cried out to God with expression almost sounding like disbelief and feelings of abandonment (though we know that He knew in His heart the reason for which He would die and be raised up again), "Father, Father, Why have You forsaken me?"
So, what is significant about these examples and those in the Hebrews 11 "Hall of Faith" in the Bible? I feel, that it is their honesty with God in prayer. Add to that, the faith to obey and follow God even when overwhelmed by intense human experiences like: agony, doubt, fear, anger, sickness, physical pain and exhaustion, hunger, poverty, loss of loved ones and so much more. Though these saints triumphed by faith, remember that they did still feel the pain of what they endured and many wrote about it. This does not show them as the proverbial stoic saints that the church tells us we should be and it did not make them less saintly, but instead shows us who struggle that one can survive what seems hopeless and come out on the other side with stronger faith and often-times, greater blessing.
Above all, we can remember that we do have a Savior who took on a human form and was in all points tested like we are and yet without sin. He felt the same pains we feel, and carried in some way the same burdens that we bear today.
Though many tears run down my cheeks, though I cannot see the reasons for the rugged hill that I seem to be climbing, though logic defies how I will survive the things thrust upon me at times, I will trust that God has a plan. I will pour out my heart beneath the Throne and find grace to help in the time of need. (Hebrews 4:16). I'm so thankful that the Bible doesn't condemn us for being human, that God shows mercy to us when we fail to be strong, and that He shows us people of faith who are not bronze statues of perfection to whom we cannot relate. I'm so glad He shows us through the biblical saints that His Strength is made perfect in our weakness and frailty. I'm glad that He doesn't cast shame on me for crying. I tend to do that enough to myself. Instead, He reminds me that He is near unto a broken hearted person and that He hears those who cry out to Him.
I'm very blessed to have supportive friends who listen in those rare times when I gush tears instead of happy chatter. It's not my usual way but I've felt the grief more in the last year or two than I have in a long, long time. Perhaps it is the losses of the year piling up (my dad went to Heaven last August, a foster daughter we wished to adopt had to move to more intensive care, I left a job to come home and care for children, my husband lost many hours of work and we lost income, etc.) I don't know why I'm crying more over trials than I used to. My first instinct was to be frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to smile and hold back tears but then after consideration, I will not allow myself to go there. Instead, I will simply cry out to God and wait for Him to answer by renewed faith, strength and blessings in answer to the need. I am not a stoic saint. I'm not sure there are many of those. So I suppose if those who have suffered worse than I can make it despite blood, sweat and tears, then God can help me to make it too.
Do you look down on people who come to you with tears asking for prayer? Do you discount them as people lacking in faith? Do you come along side them and cry with them? (Romans 12:15) Or are you the one saying "Oh, me of little faith"? It's okay to cry a little. Greater people have done so. Just don't stay there unless you are on your knees crying out to God. Lift up your eyes unto the Lord from where your help comes. (Psalm 121)
As of late, trials have brought me a multitude of tears. At former times in my life, the Lord has brought me through intense times of testing with fewer tears. To top that, I've seen many miracles performed before my eyes which built my faith to trust that God is working even when I can't see Him.
I know that God is in control even when things look out of control so in that sense, my faith does not waver. I do pray daily, often hourly and by the minute. I try to consistently read my Bible and fellowship with other Christians and the Lord does give me strength BUT this does not exempt me from human emotions. At first I was indignant with myself when tears rolled down my cheeks. I battled anger both with God and with myself. (Though I know that I've no right to be angry with God, I admit that this human emotion surfaced. "God, why, when You have the power to fix suffering, do You not step in and solve this?")
As Christians, we condemn ourselves for crying, thinking that we perhaps do not have enough faith and this is especially nagging to us when we have to wait longer for the answers to prayer than we think we should. After all, we are human and we can't see the Divine Plan. It hurts when we face impending utility shut-off notices or a short-changed grocery budget, high bills, loss of income, stressful relationships or a feeling of loneliness because finances prevent us from fully being able to fellowship with our friends or give generously to others as we would desire. Sometimes, Christians even tend to aggravate that sense of unworthiness by telling us to just "pray and trust the Lord." What happens when you pray and still sit there hearing silence? What happens when the answer doesn't appear when you think it should?
Can you trust the Lord and still feel pain? Absolutely! I wish we didn't have to feel the pain but if we didn't then we'd have to apologize to all the saints who've gone ahead of us to Glory--those people who mourned and wailed and cried out to God for deliverance and some who never saw the result of their prayers but only their future generations were able to see the answer.
For example, Job is always used as an example of one who trusted God in spite of great loss, personal suffering and social isolation. This is very accurate but one thing that is often left out of the story in the retelling is how Job sat at the gates to the city and wailed while scraping his sores. He bemoaned his own birth (Chapter 3:1), talked about his disgust for life, begs God for answers while talking about his lack of strength (Chapter 6) and is filled with anguish at the loss of his possessions and former blessings (all through Job).
Then, you have King David, the man after God's own heart. Many of the Psalms show David in the depths of despair, lying in a bed of tears, crying out to the Lord for relief.
There is the Apostle Paul, who cried to be delivered from his "thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to buffet" him. The Bible does not tell us that he was healed or delivered from this obvious "skeleton in the closet" that plagued him.
Our Lord Himself, the prime example for us to follow--even He sobbed in feverish prayer to His Father in the Garden of Gethsemane where He was about to take on the sins of the world, a task that seemed colossal to the point that He begged the Father that if it be possible that "this cup" could pass from Him. Then on the cross, He cried out to God with expression almost sounding like disbelief and feelings of abandonment (though we know that He knew in His heart the reason for which He would die and be raised up again), "Father, Father, Why have You forsaken me?"
So, what is significant about these examples and those in the Hebrews 11 "Hall of Faith" in the Bible? I feel, that it is their honesty with God in prayer. Add to that, the faith to obey and follow God even when overwhelmed by intense human experiences like: agony, doubt, fear, anger, sickness, physical pain and exhaustion, hunger, poverty, loss of loved ones and so much more. Though these saints triumphed by faith, remember that they did still feel the pain of what they endured and many wrote about it. This does not show them as the proverbial stoic saints that the church tells us we should be and it did not make them less saintly, but instead shows us who struggle that one can survive what seems hopeless and come out on the other side with stronger faith and often-times, greater blessing.
Above all, we can remember that we do have a Savior who took on a human form and was in all points tested like we are and yet without sin. He felt the same pains we feel, and carried in some way the same burdens that we bear today.
Though many tears run down my cheeks, though I cannot see the reasons for the rugged hill that I seem to be climbing, though logic defies how I will survive the things thrust upon me at times, I will trust that God has a plan. I will pour out my heart beneath the Throne and find grace to help in the time of need. (Hebrews 4:16). I'm so thankful that the Bible doesn't condemn us for being human, that God shows mercy to us when we fail to be strong, and that He shows us people of faith who are not bronze statues of perfection to whom we cannot relate. I'm so glad He shows us through the biblical saints that His Strength is made perfect in our weakness and frailty. I'm glad that He doesn't cast shame on me for crying. I tend to do that enough to myself. Instead, He reminds me that He is near unto a broken hearted person and that He hears those who cry out to Him.
I'm very blessed to have supportive friends who listen in those rare times when I gush tears instead of happy chatter. It's not my usual way but I've felt the grief more in the last year or two than I have in a long, long time. Perhaps it is the losses of the year piling up (my dad went to Heaven last August, a foster daughter we wished to adopt had to move to more intensive care, I left a job to come home and care for children, my husband lost many hours of work and we lost income, etc.) I don't know why I'm crying more over trials than I used to. My first instinct was to be frustrated with myself for not being strong enough to smile and hold back tears but then after consideration, I will not allow myself to go there. Instead, I will simply cry out to God and wait for Him to answer by renewed faith, strength and blessings in answer to the need. I am not a stoic saint. I'm not sure there are many of those. So I suppose if those who have suffered worse than I can make it despite blood, sweat and tears, then God can help me to make it too.
Do you look down on people who come to you with tears asking for prayer? Do you discount them as people lacking in faith? Do you come along side them and cry with them? (Romans 12:15) Or are you the one saying "Oh, me of little faith"? It's okay to cry a little. Greater people have done so. Just don't stay there unless you are on your knees crying out to God. Lift up your eyes unto the Lord from where your help comes. (Psalm 121)
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